Minder for livet - når et spædbarn dør

Minder for livet - når et spædbarn dør

Tiden umiddelbart efter man har mistet et spædbarn – hvordan skaber man minder

Minder for livet

Når et lille barn dør inde i maven eller ganske kort tid efter fødslen, så har man som forældre et ganske lille vindue til at få skabt nogle minder. Minder der skal kunne holde hele livet.

Når man mister et lille barn i forbindelse med fødslen, kan den første reaktion være, at man som forældre ikke vil hverken se eller røre ved barnet. Logikken er muligvis, at hvis jeg først ser barnet og knytter mig til det, så bliver det meget værre at skulle give slip på det igen. Men det bliver ikke lettere af ikke at se barnet. Til gengæld kan der komme en dårlig samvittighed, som kan være meget svær at leve med. Jeg har talt med rigtig mange forældre, der har mistet et spædbarn, og jeg har også talt med forældre, der har fortrudt deres beslutninger omkring håndteringen af deres barns død. Men jeg har ALDRIG mødt eller sågar hørt om forældre, der har fortrudt, at de så deres døde barn, at de sad med det, kyssede det, tog billeder af det, viste det frem.

Ved de helt små børn, er der ikke mange minder, man kan tage med sig, og de få minder der er, er man højst sandsynligt ene om at bære. Ved større børn har man typisk billeder, oplevelser, bamser, tegninger – et helt børneværelse, og venner og familie, der også kender og savner barnet. Så dette blog-indlæg ”Minder for livet” er primært henvendt til forældre, der mister et spædbarn.

Hvordan kan man skabe nogle minder, der holder hele livet? Minder er her delt op i to overordnede kategorier:

  •         Oplevelser
  •         Fysiske minder

 

Oplevelser. Her følger nogle eksempler på ting, man kan gøre, for at skabe oplevelser i det lille vindue, man har, fra barnet dør til det skal begraves eller bisættes.

  •         Se barnet, rør barnet, kys barnet, vask barnet, sid med barnet, sov med barnet, giv barnet tøj på eller svøb det, tag barnet med hjem, gå en tur med barnet i       barnevognen. Hvis I tager barnet med hjem, så snak evt. med sundhedspersonalet om, hvordan barnet kan holde sig bedst.
  •         Behold barnet hos dig så længe, du har lyst. Det er dit barn. Som mor skulle du nu være i symbiose med dit barn, det er helt unaturligt at lægge det fra dig.
  •         Hav besøg af familie og venner. Sørg for at der er andre, der får et forhold til barnet, at du/I ikke er de eneste, der har mødt det.
  •         Tag billeder, tag mange billeder. Brug det evt. som forlag for at få lavet en tegning af barnet.
  •         Hvis der er søskende, så lad dem få nogle minder også. Lad dem sidde med barnet. Lad dem plukke blomster til barnet. Lad dem lave tegninger, der kan komme med i kisten. Måske de skal dekorere kisten/male på kisten.

 

Fysiske minder. Oplevelser kan stå virkelig stærkt i bevidstheden. Men fysiske minder kan man tage frem igen og igen. Det kan være meget værdifuldt at have nogle fysiske minder, når man ikke har barnet længere. Her er en række konkrete ideer:

Idé 1: Læg noget i kisten, hvor du har en modpart, du kan gemme. Pluk eller køb en rose med to knopper, bræk den ene af og læg den i kisten. Gem den anden – enten tør den eller få den forkobberet eller forsølvet som et evigt minde. Kontakt evt. MindMyAngel på mail@mindmyangel.com, vi kan hjælpe med dette.

Idé 2: Læg et kaninskind i kisten, så dit lille barn ligger blødt, klip lidt af det og behold det selv.

Idé 3: Klip et stykke af dåbskjolen og læg det ned i kisten som en hovedpude. På den måde bliver der et fysisk manifest af, når dåbskjolen fremadrettet skal bruges, at der mangler noget. Læs evt. blogindlæg om dåbskjolen.

Idé 4: Få lavet fod- og eller håndaftryk – gem dem både fysisk og digitalt.

Idé 5: Gem noget, der har været hos barnet, f.eks. et svøb det har ligget med, en sut eller andet.

Idé 6: Skriv et brev til barnet, kopier det og læg det ene i kisten og behold det andet.

Idé 7: Få søskende til at lave tegninger, tag en kopi og læg originalen i kisten.

Idé 8: Gem det armbånd som barnet (muligvis) får udleveret på sygehuset

Idé 9: Køb en vase eller en lysestage som et særligt minde.

Idé 10: Køb eller lav en mindeæske, hvor du kan gemme minder, breve, en dagbog – de ting, der ikke må blive væk.

 

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