De uomgørlige valg – når et barn skal begraves, del I

De uomgørlige valg – når et barn skal begraves, del I

Del I: Den fysiske afsked med barnet

At skrue låget på kisten, bære kisten ud af kirken og senere, at sænke kisten ned i jorden er personligt noget af det mest hæslige, jeg har oplevet. For her blev det så konkret, at nu var det sidste gang, jeg så mit barns lille ansigt. Nu var det sidste gang, jeg kyssede ham. Nu var det sidste gang, jeg fysisk havde ham tæt på. Nu skulle jeg fysisk give slip på mit lille barn. I mit hjerte har jeg ikke, og skal jeg ikke give slip – der har han sin helt egen plads. Men fysisk skal man tage afsked med barnet."

Rebekka Høy Biegel, stifter af MindMyAngel.com


Når man mister et (lille) barn, så skal barnet også begraves på et tidspunkt. I den forbindelse er der så mange valg, man skal træffe, og ingen af valgene kan gøres om. I dette blogindlæg vil fokus være på, hvilke ting der kan være gode at overveje, i forbindelse med den fysiske afsked med barnet og i forhold til selve begravelsen.

I forbindelse med den fysiske afsked med barnet, kan det være godt at overveje:


Her er en række spørgsmål, som det yderligere kan være godt at overveje:

  •         Barnet skal lægges i en kiste i forbindelse med bisættelsen eller begravelsen. De fleste vælger en almindelig hvid kiste, men nogle vælger en kurvekiste i stedet. Hvordan ønsker I, jeres barn skal ligge?
  •         Hvordan skal barnet ligge i kisten? Skal barnet ligge på noget blødt? En dyne, et tæppe eller måske et kaninskind? Vær opmærksom på, at ved et for tidligt født barn, kan en dyne blive meget stor. Her kan man i stedet vælge f.eks. et kaninskind, et tæppe eller et pudebetræk.
  •         Skal barnets hoved ligge på noget? F.eks. på et pudebetræk der betyder noget specielt. Hvis man har en familiedåbskjole, kan man klippe et stykke af den og lave det til en lille pude. På den måde skaber man et fysisk manifest for al fremtid: der mangler noget. Det bliver tydeligt, hver gang et barn skal døbes i kjolen. Læs evt. et blogindlæg om det her: http://www.mindmyangel.com/da/blog/25_Familie-daabskjolen-hvor-der-nu-mangler-noge.html
  •         Skal barnet have noget bestemt tøj på? Skal det svøbes i stedet for tøj? Skal der bruges et bestemt dynebetræk eller tæppe. Skal der bamser, breve eller andet med i kisten.
  •         Skal andre, søskende eller fætre og kusiner, være med til at dekorere kisten?
  •         Skal kisten stå åben under begravelsen/bisættelsen? For nogle pårørende vil det måske være eneste mulighed for at møde barnet. Måske kan det at se det døde barn være med til at gøre det ukonkrete, som døden er, mere konkret.

Kurvekiste Hovedpude lavet af dåbskjole Lys, der kan stå om kisten og senere sættes på graven

                                                                                                                                                           .

Bisættelse/begravelse

Bedemanden eller præsten er ofte rigtig gode at tale med om selve begravelsen/bisættelsen, og om de valg man skal træffe, f.eks. hvilke salmer der skal synges, hvad der skal siges, mv. Husk på at det er jer, der ved bedst, hvad der er det rigtige for jer. Har I som forældre lyst til at læse et brev op eller sige nogle ord? Hvad vil I gerne, at præsten siger om jeres barn?

Salmer. Er der nogle specielle salmer, I gerne vil synge? Der findes to salmer, der specifikt er skrevet til, når små børn dør. Den ene findes i Den Danske Salmebog, den hedder: Nu har du taget fra os, nr. 552. Den anden hedder Farvel lille barn. Teksten er herunder. Her er noderne

Bøn. Der findes også en bøn i Den Danske Salmebog, der er skrevet specifikt til forældre, der har mistet et barn. Den findes på s. 887 i Den Danske Salmebog.

Lys. Ønsker I levende lys i kapellet/kirkerummet eller rundt om kisten? Lysene kan man evt. bagefter stille ved graven eller i haven.

Skal kisten være åben? Der er i Danmark ikke tradition for åbne kister. Men det kan være en overvejelse værd. For nogle i begravelsesfølget vil det måske være eneste mulighed for at se barnet.

Hvem skal bære kisten ud? Hvis der er tale om et spædbarn eller et helt lille barn, så skal der kun en person til at løfte kisten. Det tungeste man kan løfte, er sit eget barns kiste, hvor lille den end måtte være. Ved et større barn, er der brug for nogle hjælpere. Igen: vælg dem, I føler, er de rigtige og ikke ud fra, hvad der forventes.

Hvem skal køre kisten? En kiste skal oftest transporteres til eller fra kirke/kapel. Her kan man overveje, om man selv ønsker at køre med kisten, så man hele tiden sørger for sit eget barn, eller man ønsker, at det skal køres i en rustvogn.

Mit barn skulle køres herfra med stil, så han skulle selvfølgelig køres i den største rustvogn."
Far til lille baby dreng

Jeg ville ikke undvære et øjeblik med min lille dreng, så vi valgte at min bror kørte bilen, og så sad min mand og jeg på bagsædet med den lille kiste."
Mor til lille dreng

Ved graven. En lille kiste kræver det ikke mere end én at løfte og to at sænke ned i jorden. Man kan overveje at være fire om at sænke den, som en symbolsk støtte i den ubærlige situation. Overvej evt. om der skal være mulighed for at tænde et lys ved graven, om der skal kunne strøs rosenblade eller andre blomster over kisten eller om andet kan markere en sidste gestus på vej fra graven.




Begravelsens/bisættelsens form og størrelse. Man skal også tage beslutning om, hvorvidt man ønsker sig en stor begravelse med mange gæster, eller en lille intim begravelse. Om man ønsker et Mindesamvær bagefter, eller man bare ønsker at være sig selv og måske de allernærmeste.

Fordelen ved en stor begravelse er, at man kan mærke, at andre sørger med en. De pårørende får også en mulighed for at give et sidste farvel. Fordelen ved en lille begravelse er, at man ikke skal forholde sig til andet end at sige farvel. 


Salme: Farvel, lille barn

1. Farvel, lille barn - 
det fundne er pludselig tabt. 
Så ufatteligt kort et liv, 
men i evighedsperspektiv 
så stort som det største 
så fint som det første der 
i vores verden er skabt. 

2.Farvel, lille barn - 
sejl ud på dit kærlighedshav 
af de ubrugte hjerteslag; 
denne rytme af nat og dag 
skal ikke forfølge 
dig dér på din bølge 
på vej mod det inderste hav. 

3. Farvel, lille barn - 
og tak for dit korte besøg. 
Du blev til ved et gudekys 
gennem spalten af liv og lys. 
En smertelig nåde, 
og mærkelig gåde: 
hvorfor får man liv for at dø? 

4. Farvel, lille barn - 
vi slipper dig blot for at tro 
på et gensyn, et mødested 
uden smerte og livsfortræd. 
Hvor du kunne fylde 
hver eneste hylde, 
dér høres nu tomheden gro. 

5. Farvel, lille barn - 
gør tomrum til klangbund for håb 
om en åben barmhjertighed 
og uendelig kærlighed 
der altid vil være 
til trøst i det svære, 
som bæres med barnet til dåb.


Tekst: Rikke Birkeholm. Melodi: Povl Chr. Balslev

Tilmeld nyhedsbrev


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