Den ukomplette familiefølelse

Den ukomplette familiefølelse

Jeg bliver ved med at have en drøm om, at vi skal lave noget allesammen sammen,  dvs. hele familien, mor, far og fire børn. Men eftersom vores første søn er død, så kommer det desværre aldrig til at ske.

Jeg er selv vokset op i en stor familie. Jeg har tre søskende, og der er et spænd på 13 år mellem min yngste søster og mig som den ældste. En af de værdier, mine forældre satte virkelig højt, var, at vi skulle lave noget allesammen sammen. Konsekvensen er, at jeg i dag har et fantastisk forhold til alle mine søskende – og en sideeffekt er, at vi lærte at tage hensyn og gøre noget for fællesskabet. Det var jo ikke altid, at en på 3 og en på 16 syntes, det samme var sjovt.

Det er en af de værdier, jeg har forsøgt at tage med ind i vores familie. Vi skal lave noget allesammen sammen. Men det kan vi jo aldrig komme til. Der mangler en. Lige meget hvor mange børn, der eventuelt er tilbage efter et barn dør, og lige meget hvor mange der eventuelt kommer til efter – så vil der altid mangle en.

Det er det lidt den samme ukomplette familiefølelse, der gør sig gældende, når man bliver spurgt: ”Er det dit første barn?” Hvilket jeg ofte blev spurgt om, da mit ældste levende barn var lille. Nu bliver jeg spurgt: ”Hvor mange børn har du?”
Tristan var ikke mit første barn, og jeg har fire børn, selvom det ”kun” er de tre, jeg har hos mig.
Jeg har båret fire børn, jeg har født fire børn, og jeg har fire børn i mit hjerte. Men hvad svarer man? Hvilket svar kan man give, så man ikke føler, man forråder sit døde barn, så man er tro mod sig selv, uden at man behøver at føle, at man skal udlevere sit inderste til alle, man møder på sin vej. Jeg har hørt mange variationer i tidens løb. Og der findes heller ikke her ét rigtigt svar. Det svar der føles rigtigt for én på ét tidspunkt og i én situation kan være helt forkert i en anden. 

Personligt siger jeg altid, at jeg har fire børn. Nogle gange, når folk kigger forvirrede efter det manglende barn, siger jeg, at vores ældste dreng er død. Andre gange fortæller jeg det med det samme. I nogle situationer uddyber jeg ikke mere.

For mig handler det om at bryde et tabu; tabuet om døden, det handler om at være autentisk, og det handler om, at turde vise hvem jeg er uden facade. Reaktionerne er meget forskellige – jeg har oplevet meget uheldige kommentarer, og dem vil jeg skrive om en anden gang – men generelt oplever jeg en respekt og en ømhed. Jeg oplever også en ”godt det ikke er mig”-følelse hos dem, jeg taler med, og en ”jeg giver mine egne børn et ekstra godnatkys i aften”. Det er helt OK. Sidst men ikke mindst oplever jeg, at andre tør åbne op. Jeg oplever, at kunne gå fra en samtale med et fremmed menneske, hvor vi har talt om de allerdybeste ting – men glemte at spørge til hinandens navne.  

Vi kommer ikke til at lave noget alle sammen sammen i vores familie, og spørgsmålet: ”Hvor mange børn har du?” vil aldrig blive et ligegyldigt spørgsmål. Men jeg bærer alle mine fire børn med mig – en af de måder det er synliggjort på er i en ring, som jeg har fået af min mand. Der er en sten for ham, for mig, og for hvert af vores fire børn. Så føler jeg lidt, at vi allesammen er sammen.

 

 

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