Hvordan af hjertet kunne glæde sig med andre?

Hvordan af hjertet kunne glæde sig med andre?

Hvordan af hjertet kunne glæde sig med andre? Et udpluk fra min dagbog.

I min sorgproces har jeg i flere omgange gjort brug af en fantastisk psykolog, både alene og sammen med min mand. Jeg har også skrevet en del for at få greb om tankerne. Forleden faldt jeg pludselig over denne tekst, som jeg skrev i 2010 – dvs. næsten fire år efter, vi mistede vores søn. Nogle kan genkende sig selv i disse refleksioner, andre kan overhovedet ikke. Fire år er ingen tid i en helingsproces.

Fra min dagbog 20-12/2010

Efter jeg var til psykolog blev jeg bedt om at gøre mig nogle tanker – skrive noget ned.

Hvordan er det, jeg møder verden med min skrøbelighed? Specielt i de situationer hvor jeg bliver konfronteret med det, der gør rigtig ondt? Hvordan kan jeg undgå at krympe helt sammen og føle mig forkert og skamfuld. Hvordan kan jeg have den lille sårbare Rebekka med. Hvor skal hun være, og hvordan kan jeg holde hende?

Hvordan kan jeg være den stærke mig, der har hovedet løftet og brystet frem også i konfrontation med det hårde?

Jeg ser amazoner for mig. Jeg ser de kvinder for mig fra efterfødselsgymnastik, der alle havde mistet. Hvordan de går med hovedet højt og samtidig skrøbeligt.

Jeg ser jo verden igennem de her briller – jeg ser verden igennem mine erfaringer med Kaspian. Jeg ser verden med ydmyge briller. Samtidig tager jeg det som en personlig fornærmelse/nedgørelse, når folk ikke har den ydmyghed. Jeg føler jo, jeg går så synligt med det – og det gør det jo nok endnu værre…

Hvordan kan jeg se på andres livsvilkår og indstilling uden at tage det personligt? Uden at føle det som en hån?

Hvordan kan jeg formå at forblive mig og synes, det er OK at være mig, når jeg kun mærker, at jeg og mine erfaringer er så anderledes. Når jeg kan mærke, at folk enten synes, jeg jo også skal være taknemlig.

Hvordan kan jeg være så stærk i min kerne, at det ikke ryster mig/ydmyger mig at blive konfronteret med andres lykke.

Hvordan undgå at blive bedrevidende og bare ønske at føre min sorg over på andre? Hvordan af hjertet kunne glæde sig med andre? (er det for meget forlangt?) 

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